David

This is David I will occasionally post on this blog.
Sometimes about Jews and sometimes about Freshly Squeezed Orange Jews.
Random facts about me:
Anything I say is a boldfaced lie and can not be taken seriously
I cannot draw and because of this will sometimes accompany my writings with MS Paint
I will only post in TREBUCHET the most superior font known to man
I have a mysterious guardian who has been known to devour tools from time to time
I know exactly the wrong thing to say to people at the right time

But enough about me, let's get onto my family

My Father:

My Father retained the youthful spirit of a 12 year old and the annoying habits of a 5 year old.

My Father decided it would be a good idea to live on top of a mountain with no other children.
I blame him directly for any anti-social behavior that I have today.

My Father has porn laying around the house, classy.

My Father is getting on in years but he doesn't look like it. This leads to hilarious scenario's in which he acts like a crotchety, obnoxious old man:
Laughing at inappropriate points during movies
Wandering into private booths during a Renaissance fair asking, "what's going on here?"
"So are you its president?" asked of a Starbucks worker whose name was Sierra
When pulling in at a drive through, "Sir may I take your order?" Father's response "No..."
"Does the vegetable stir fry come with meat?"

My Dad has attempted to kill me a handful of times by:
Responding to a serious bike accident by calling my Mom and saying: "I think I need to take David to the Doctors..."
Deciding to see how many times he could roll the car off an embankment
Accelerating the car as I am leaving and then driving another 100 feet at 30 miles per hour
Startling me into jumping back onto a knife
Attempting to feed me T.V. dinners for 4 years of my life

Unsurprisingly my parents are divorced for many of the above reasons.