The Wallowing of my Youth that has been this Summer thus Far

I was informed by my vast network of spies that an indescribable creature of evil and torment had taken residence in my absence from Plurals. I lept to my computer to find that while true, I approve of Sydney as an indescribable creature of evil and torment.

Then Sydney told me I needed to post.

Crap.

More Random Facts about me:
I am far more scared of the Zombie Apocalypse than I am of any other more reasonable natural disaster.
I was more devastated by Billy Mays death than I was of Michael Jacksons.
I don't listen to music.
I voted for Admiral Ackbar in '08.
My grandpa is my hero.

Instead of telling you my own stories I will mock some stories others have created:

I was unfortunate enough to see "Night at the Museum 2". Perhaps I was too old, or perhaps whatever soul I have has been removed, but very rarely have I come across a movie that was a waste of A) time, and B) money.

Like Rob Schneider before him Ben Stiller needs to fade into the dreary oblivion that spawned him so that he can be remembered for Zoolander and nothing else.

I saw "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince", but can no longer look at Harry and Dumbldores relationship the same way after J.K. Rowling hit us with this little bomb shell.
Half the time that I was in the theater someone was alluding to some physical improprieties on the part of Young Harry and Wizened Dumbledore. Half the time that person was me.

And for this last one, I will be assisted by Punrick who speaks entirely in puns.

I have read half of Twilight in a misguided attempt to overcome my enemy by knowing him/her/it(?).
It very quickly crosses the line between simply being not good and goes straight off the cliff into obnoxious, no-talent, idiocy.
Instead of ranting about the stupid inadequacies of this book I will instead give you this.

Because there is nothing better than kittans in tea-cups.

David

This is David I will occasionally post on this blog.
Sometimes about Jews and sometimes about Freshly Squeezed Orange Jews.
Random facts about me:
Anything I say is a boldfaced lie and can not be taken seriously
I cannot draw and because of this will sometimes accompany my writings with MS Paint
I will only post in TREBUCHET the most superior font known to man
I have a mysterious guardian who has been known to devour tools from time to time
I know exactly the wrong thing to say to people at the right time

But enough about me, let's get onto my family

My Father:

My Father retained the youthful spirit of a 12 year old and the annoying habits of a 5 year old.

My Father decided it would be a good idea to live on top of a mountain with no other children.
I blame him directly for any anti-social behavior that I have today.

My Father has porn laying around the house, classy.

My Father is getting on in years but he doesn't look like it. This leads to hilarious scenario's in which he acts like a crotchety, obnoxious old man:
Laughing at inappropriate points during movies
Wandering into private booths during a Renaissance fair asking, "what's going on here?"
"So are you its president?" asked of a Starbucks worker whose name was Sierra
When pulling in at a drive through, "Sir may I take your order?" Father's response "No..."
"Does the vegetable stir fry come with meat?"

My Dad has attempted to kill me a handful of times by:
Responding to a serious bike accident by calling my Mom and saying: "I think I need to take David to the Doctors..."
Deciding to see how many times he could roll the car off an embankment
Accelerating the car as I am leaving and then driving another 100 feet at 30 miles per hour
Startling me into jumping back onto a knife
Attempting to feed me T.V. dinners for 4 years of my life

Unsurprisingly my parents are divorced for many of the above reasons.